Deviant Dogs
by Jet556
Summary: An analysis into an account of an assail on Buttermaker's dog and Norrisville's chickens by anomalous amalgamated dogs.
1. ACT I

**Welcome everyone to this little two-parter. This was originally going to be a one-shot but I decided to expand it. Enjoy and review.**

 **ACT I**

Here Ken was. At his own house, at his own swimming pool and his own girlfriend Heidi Weinerman in a bikini nearby while he prepared to jump off the diving board into the water. What a wonderful day this was!

"Ken, angel, you got a letter." Said Heidi.

"Can you read it to me then?" asked Ken.

Heidi nodded and began to read the letter. "Dear, young Mr. Finlayson. Happy birthday." His birthday was in January, it was well past. "I hope you enjoy this three thousand pounds of jello."

"Three thousand pounds of jello?" asked Ken, quite befuddled. He then laughed it off. "They must be some mistake. Where would I put three thousand pounds of jello? Besides only Coach Green would be stupid enough to send me three thousand pounds of jello." Ken laughed. It was true of course Randy and Howard were almost as stupid with Howard being the more idiotic of the two. And with that Ken jumped off the diving board and landed not in water but three thousand pounds of jello that was the same color as pool water. It was at that point that Ken awoke at home with a scream. It was just a dream Coach Green had not sent him three thousand pounds of jello. Why did he ever help him with taxes? A knocking at the door then took Ken away from his thoughts of Coach Green. Getting off his chaise, Ken walked from his living room to his front door. Opening it he saw Buttermaker holding his dog… And Heidi, who caused Ken realized his dream was nothing more but a dream. But he certainly intended to make one part of that dream a reality and it would not be the three thousand pounds of jello! "Heidi, Buttermaker, hi… Heidi, I thought I told you to never bring anyone here!"

"It is an emergency, Ken." Said Heidi.

"I will be the judge of that!"

"It's true, bro! My little buddy here was attacked by some mutant canine!" Buttermaker's statement caused Ken to look at Buttermaker's dog. Yes, he did see a bite mark on the right front leg.

"Okay, lets talk."

()

Buttermaker described the attacker. He sat in an armchair in the living room, with his dog on his lap. Ken merely stood by the fireplace while Heidi lay on the chaise. Buttermaker described a dog-like animal that must have been one hundred and twenty pounds with an even muzzle, noticeable arched shoulders, wee butchered ears and a bristly brush. It was impossible!

Ken merely looked around in shock. One of those things existed in this day and age?

"Ken, are you ok?" asked Heidi, concerned about the look of shock on Ken's face.

"No one has seen anything like that since 1757! Daniel Boone and Captain John are said to have killed one in the state of New York."

"Then what is one of these things doing in New England, dude?" asked Buttermaker.

"I really don't think they care about states and regions." Replied Ken. What animals did? "Is there any reason the Ninja can't handle this?"

"He's busy and this is right up your alley." Stated Heidi.

Of course he was and of course it was. Ken merely looked at Buttermaker's dog. Well, this looked like a job he'd have to do if the Ninja was busy. Walking over to a wall that had an assortment of throwing axes on it, Ken grabbed the tomahawk.

"Alright, where did you see this thing?"

"By the graveyard on Elm Street!" Buttermaker's answer caused Ken to raise an eyebrow. There was a street named Elm Street in Norrisville? If there ended up being a serial killer named Freddy Krueger who operated around there then they would have brought it upon themselves.

"Is that the place with the house that looks like it came out of a Hitchcock movie?" asked Ken.

"It depends." Replied Heidi. "Which one are we talking about?"

"'Psycho."

"Oh, I love that movie!"

"Not as good as the book but definitely better than the remake."

"And 'Bates Motel.'" Added Heidi. "But that is better than the remake itself. How is the book by the way?"

"Something that no adaptation can ever amount too. It must be the best book Bloch ever wrote."

In the middle of this all, Buttermaker just stared with a stupid look on his face. What were these two talking about? Who was Hitchcock? Who was Bloch? What was "Psycho?" What was "Bates Motel?"


	2. ACT II

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

 **ACT II**

To say Ken was not having second thoughts about going to kill this Deviant Dog would be untrue. He had heard about attacks on Norrisville's chickens and it certainly must have been the one behind the attacks but to kill a creature just because it is killing livestock was madness. The predators were there long before any livestock where, even if this particular predator hadn't been seen since 1757.

And the attack on Buttermaker's dog… Buttermaker. Who named that guy anyway? Did his parents really decide on calling him that? Was it a nickname? Were his parents a pair of idiots? Who knew?

What had he been thinking about? That's right, the attack on Buttermaker's dog. Well, if it was attacking pets then that certainly must have been a reason to kill it.

But what if it was the only one in the Norrisville area? He could not take that chance and he wouldn't let mobs of angry poultry farmers and dog owners kill them like witch hunters with cats.

Once at the graveyard, Ken looked at the entrance. There were certainly sets of paw prints, the prints of the attacker being rather obvious… But yet there was something not right here. Besides paw prints there were two trails of blood, one from Buttermaker's dog being carried away and one going into graveyard. The Deviant Dog had a lair somewhere inside the graveyard… Much like foxes in urban areas! But the prints were much bigger than a fox's certainly they were more like wolf prints.

Suddenly, something struck Ken. Puppies had sharp teeth. No doubt Buttermaker knew this…

"Ken, is something the matter?"

Ken turned his head, remembering Heidi was there with him.

"Look at the two trails of blood." Ken pointed at the two trails with his flipper of a right hand.

"What about them?" asked Heidi.

"The trail leading away from the graveyard is significantly less than the trail going into the graveyard." Stated Ken.

"Well, couldn't some of the puppy's blood have ended up on Buttermaker's jersey?"

"But there was no sign of any blood on Buttermaker's jersey and if it is an emergency the attack was recent and to my thinking the bite on the puppy's leg seemed to be little more than a nip and puppies have sharp teeth."

"Ken are you really insinuating that Buttermaker made his dog, a puppy, attack some big wolf-like beast?" asked Heidi.

"I am not insinuating, I am downright saying he did!" Ken pointed at the trail of blood leading into the graveyard again. "Look that is not a few drops! That is a lot of drops!"

"Okay, so say you are right and Buttermaker's puppy was the one who started the whole thing but what about the chicken killings? You are obviously thinking the same thing I am."

"Thing's gotta eat." Was all Ken could say.

"And chicken farmer's gotta live so what are you going to do?"

Ken went quiet. What was he going to do? If he killed it, he'd do the chicken farmers a favor. He'd be a hero. But he'd kill something that was just following its instincts to survive. This wasn't some sort of evil abomination like Moloch, the Death Raptor, had been. It was just an animal… A wounded animal!

"I don't know but killing it isn't the right thing to do. I can't kill an animal for just following its instincts, I'm not some barbarian." Ken brought his right hand to his face. "I can't even believe I'm out here because of Buttermaker. You know I once heard him singing 'K.F., K.F., ugly as can be'?" He took his hand away from his face and looked at Heidi. "I'm not that ugly, am I?"

"At first I thought you were but whenever you open up like this, revealing a bit more of the real you, the less ugly you become."

Ken gave a smile and looked at the trail of blood only to see beast from which the blood came staring right at him. It was just as Buttermaker had described it, just as the books described it… It was really there… A Deviant Dog!

It stood there staring at them for who knew how long but eventually it walked away, back to its lair presumably.

"I am not going after it…" said Ken. "Given the competence of chicken farmers, three mobs of them couldn't catch that thing."

"Okay, so what about your theory about Buttermaker?" asked Heidi.

()

"Are you accusing me of having my dog attack that thing?" asked Buttermaker. Standing in a park, Ken looked up at Buttermaker. He was taller than Niall Warburton, who was four feet and nine inches, yet shorter than his brother Robert, who was six feet and eleven inches. He was five foot ten to be exact. Those present for this little scene were Heidi, Randy, Howard, Theresa and most of all Debbie. Where was Niall? Somewhere else entirely!

Ken gave a nod to Buttermaker's question. "Yes, yes I am."

"Oh good, I didn't understand the first time."

"Did you?" asked Ken.

"Of course he didn't!" yelled Debbie, Ken's biggest critic besides his own mother who swore that if her husband or either of her sons ever tried to take her power in the family away from her she would kill them all, girlfriends of her sons included. "Ken is crazy, he tried to throw Niall to a bunch of killer chimps that would have torn him to pieces! If he accuses anyone of anything it is probably the equivalent of saying he doesn't like the shoes you are wearing!"

"Shut up, Debbie. If I want criticism, I'll give my mom a call assuming my dad hasn't finally gotten around to staking her… But given he's blind, she'd probably eat him before he ever got around to staking her." Ken then looked over at Heidi. "That's how I lost my left thumb!" Everyone had thought Ken had been born without a left thumb but his mother had actually bitten it off and eaten it? How could Ken have grown with a mother like that? "Now, Buttermaker, lets play a game. I ask a question and you answer with the first thing that comes to your mind… How obedient is your puppy?"

"Very obedient."

"Has his teeth began to dull?"

"No."

"Did you order your puppy to attack that Deviant Dog?"

"Yes." Upon realizing what he said, Buttermaker shook his head. "No!"

"Oh, so close! I'm sorry, Buttermaker but it looks like the truth is out. You wanted me to clean up your little mess."

Buttermaker nodded. He was discovered and he could only ask one question. "Did you kill it?"

"Peradventure Aye, peradventure nay." Now Buttermaker knew what Ken meant by that. He was going to give any answer on the subject. The only way Buttermaker would know was if he saw that thing again or if it did get his little dog! Leaving Buttermaker to wonder, Ken turned to Heidi. "And would the most comely gentlewoman of Norrisville accompany me on the constitutional to my abode for a swim in my pool?"

"You've got a pool?" asked Howard. "Can we use it?" By "we" he was of course referring to himself and Randy.

"No! If I do not want to see Moby Dick and Champ and should I catch anyone in my pool who has not been invited I will by myself a Czechoslovakian Wolfdog and teach it to sic specific body parts!" He wouldn't have really. Given his luck he'd probably only be able to afford a Lupo Italiano and the most he'd ever be able to teach would probably just be "Sic 'em."

()

Once back at Ken's house, Ken had quickly changed into his red swim trunks. He didn't care if Heidi saw his third nipple, he was just happy that some part of his dream was coming true… Unfortunately, he didn't realize what part of his dream until he jumped off the diving board and came into contact with his transparent pool cover. Things had been so good for him today up until this.

Well, at least it wasn't three thousand pounds of jello.

While Heidi stood by the pool with an embarrassed look on her face, embarrassed for being present for this as anyone present for this would be, Ken lifted his head and turned it to look at Heidi.

"What do you know about apparitions, Heidi?"

 **The End**


End file.
